Hemlock Grove (spoilers) And strong opinions. Strong, strong opinions.

Or, why Netflix should NOT DO SHIT LIKE THAT AGAIN.

Apparently, this is the writing process for Hemlock Grove.

“Here’s a book that would make an awesome TV show.”

“Okay, cool. But we’re going to make some rewrites and screw shit up exponentially, since the source material would never, ever be good enough.”

“Great. So, our show is going to be about genetic modification, mad scientists, Frankenstein, werewolves, slut-shaming she-werewolves, horny teenagers, vampires, teen angst, teen pregnancy, angels, supernatural visitations, crazy people, witches, gypsies, psychic abilities, horrific fake accents, spirit-walks, and boobs.”

“Yeah, can’t forget boobs!”

“All righty, then. I think that’s all the writing we need to do. Let’s start filming now.”

It had potential. Really. And then…no. Famke Jenson started talking. What the heck?? That accent was ATROCIOUS. It sounded horrible! It sounded like she was TRYING to sound like a wicked witch in a Disney movie.

Then other people started talking, and it sounded like the writers were channeling the original Dark Shadows. The only character I liked was Peter and his mom. Everyone else was pretentious, over-acted, so, incredibly, painfully stereotyped it HURT. The cold-eyed prince with the dark, dark secret. The psychiatrist in need of a psychiatrist. The giggling mad scientist. The evil queen surveying her crumbling empire. The angelic, too-good-for-this-world female. The shifty-eyed, angsty, hide-behind-her-hair nutjob channeling Nadine from Stephen King’s The Stand (heavens, somebody else tell me they noticed that too?). The spooky psychic with the ominous, enigmatic warnings.

Would it hurt to inject a little originality into a series, which had a WORLD of opportunities and potential at its fingertips?

Or how about answer all the questions? Why does Shelley glow? Why exactly is Ouroboros? What happened to Shelley? What was the stuff Olivia dripped in her eye? WHY DOES THE LITTLE GIRL HAVE AN EFFING TAIL? Why did cutting off the tail kill her? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT LIL’ VIGNETTE? Why was there supposedly all this animosity between the Godfreys and Romanceks, but moms and sons were buddy-buddy after a couple of heart to hearts? If Olivia was a vampire, why was she in the steel mill, puking up half-chewed meat, but later claimed the body left there wasn’t her work? And–OMG–what sort of hospital ANNOUNCES A PATIENT HAS DIED OVER THE INTERCOM? How did Roman not know he banged his half-sister/cousin? Why wasn’t the “He’s your real father” investigated or expounded upon further? And there were half a dozen more that just sort of fell by the wayside as the series got caught up in itself.

Also, wha about the dragon stuff? We have the religious werewolf slayer Order, then we have Shelley and the bum spouting poetry about seeing dragons, and then at the end, Olivia says they are not warriors, they are dragons, yet none of them tie in together, nor do they relate to one another!

What? Why? Somebody needs to answer skme questions!
The music was crappy, the car ride scenes were painfully green-screened, and only a few of the actors could read their lines without sounding like they were, well, reading from a script.

Nothing seemed original in this series, except for the first werewolf transformation. That was pretty much the only cool thing.

I wasted 13 hours watching this drivel. *facepalm* It was almost as bad as American Horror Story season 2.


39 thoughts on “Hemlock Grove (spoilers) And strong opinions. Strong, strong opinions.

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  2. She said YOU are not a warrior YOU are a dragon. Ouroboros is a device that can let humans growing inside of it. Shelly glows because she deformed .from ouroboros machine. Finally it almost working. I dont think you understood what you where watching .

  3. Incredible! This blog looks exactly like my old one! It’s on a entirely different topic but it has pretty much the same page layout and design. Superb choice of colors!|

  4. I have a question that I cannot find ANYWHERE on the internet. In episode 7 Norman comes home to his wife, Marie, and she says “Welcome home Dad” while holding a (presumably positive) pregnancy test. What the heck happened to her being pregnant?!?! In the last episode, which is staged some months later, Norman moves out and Marie hardly looks like she is with-child.

  5. Some interesting Lore when researching the the terms used for the Godfrey’s as vampire on the web. There’s a bunch of links for it..here is one of them http://vampiresaz.webs.com/uv.htm)

    Area from/Nationality: Polish. Vampire that is unusual in the fact that it rises at midday and returns to sleep at midnight. It is said to have a barbed tongue and consumes vast quantities of blood. This creature’s fascination with blood goes much further than normal vampires as it sleeps in blood as well. May be related to the Upir and Upyr.

    Area from/Nationality: Ukraine. Vampire that is noted for its desire to eat large amounts of fish. May also be related to Upier and Upyr.

    Area from/Nationality: Russian. Vampire, considered to be extremely vicious. It will first attack children and then continue on to kill the parents. As with the Upier the Upyr rises during the day and sleeps at night, and in doing so has a fairly human appearance. May be related to Upir and Upier.

    I would seem that they combined the lore of Upier (from Roman’s coma dream where he sees the girl hiss at him with a “barbed tongue”; the drop’s in the eye’s might be a Narcotic replacement to for the lust for blood) and Upyr, since Roman killed his Mother which could be tie into the whole end episode where the child and mother were laid out in front of Roman to finish his turning.

    There were two other webpages that described Upier as being born human, but need to die to and be reborn to unlock their full power. It also spoke that superstitions for these children were “marked”, for males it was typically a cowl (though there was a long list of oddities for the day) for women, a “tail” was a mark of a supposed union between a demon and a woman.

    • Thanks! That mythology could have been easily worked into the series, and even used to evoke a little more fear.

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  6. Pingback: Welcome To Creep Town, Population This Show: Hemlock Grove | Sweet n Sour Movie Reviews

  7. Seems like you guys are all a bunch of whiny little fags who like to pick apart every single show they watch. Maybe consider that your watching television, and not living in Wonderland. Dipshits. It’s meant for entertainment, and I was entertained. And if you watched all 13 episodes and are complaining about it now, what does that say about you? Maybe it says you have 10 hours to waste on something you just wanna berate. Stick to the news if you want reality.

    • Gee Chiet, THAT was about as helpful as telling a drowning man that he shouldn’t have gone swimming. And what concern is it of YOURS that he didn’t like the show, or that I did, for that matter? Seem like YOU are a snotty little shit that likes to pick apart others’ opinions.

    • Chet, maybe you didn’t catch the part of the internet that makes it free for anybody to say whatever they want about anything? I watched the show from 1-13 so I could have an educated opinion in it, even though I figured out by episode 3 that it was really horribly written. I also watched all way through because I hoped it would redeem itself by the end.

      Sadly, it didn’t.

      And it’s opinion. Mine. This is also my blog, paid for and operated by me, myself, and I, and that gives me the right to say what I want to say–especially after I’ve paid for something–i. e., a Netflix membership that was at least in some miniscule measure part of the funding for Hemlock Grove production–and found it less than enjoyable.

      Also, please note that this entire website is devoted to me (and a few others) and our sole expression of our personal opinions on books, movies, etc.

      If you don’t like opinions that differ from yours, or the expression of differentiating opinions, maybe the interwebs are not the best places for you…

  8. I can’t answer All of your questions, but I can answer a few.
    This show was based on the first book in a planned series of 3, so many things were left unresolved to have plot threads to follow in books 2 and 3.
    Vestigial tails typically have a major blood vessel in them and can be difficult and dangerous to remove. The older the person is, the more dangerous (something to do with blood vessels again) so usually it is done shortly after birth. The manner in which the removal was depicted in the book or the tv show, she would have bled out very quickly.
    The Dragon references were a lame ‘vampire’ thing. Dracula means: Son of the Dragon. Wouldn’t expect ANYONE to get that one.
    Shelly glowed because phosphorous was introduced into her system as part of the resurrection process. Dr. Price referenced this in an early episode when questioned by the werewolf hunter posing as a Fish & Wildlife officer.

    • Thanks–that answers some of the questions.

      Unfortunately, my biggest one is: WHY WASN’T THIS SHOW WRITTEN BETTER?

      Each of those answers you gave us could have been very easily worked into the show without it being a info-dump monologue.

      • Just realized I missed one… The little girl was Olivia (it showed the scar during one of her sex-with-brother-in-law scenes) and the flashback was to establish her greater than human age and that the vampire had to die in order to gain their full abilities. That set the stage so to speak for Roman’s turn.
        Also, I missed it if they had it in the show, but in the Book, the animosity between the Godfreys and the Romanceks stems from the fact that one of their ancestors was Olivia’s baby from the Gypsy Boy Slave she ran away with and whom abandoned her.

  9. Omg. I loved the review because it was funny but true? So many questions….but I enjoyed this series for some odd reason. Thanks for the chuckle!!

  10. So this review wasn’t anything I was looking for when i was trying to find explinations of the show online, (oh which there seem to be none), but was a great chuckle and very unorthodox. much like the accents. I was hoping for a lot more with this show. a very big disappointment.

    • Yep. I’ve searched as well. There are very few decent explanations for this show.  I’m hoping by reading the book,  some questions can be answered.

  11. The dragon has everything to do with what Olivia and Roman are. The russian word for vampire is the word Peter uses to describe them. If you research the russian word for vampire, it explains what a dragon has to do with it.

    • That would have been a great point to actually put in the show. I couldn’t understand what word Peter kept saying (neither could anyone I knew, and without any of us having a copy of the book, we couldn’t look it up–if it’s even in the book), so therefore had no point of reference.

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      • I guess they dont put the fact that they use the word “dragon” actually refers to them/someone/(them obviously) being vampire in the show since they didnt plan to reveal this until later the end of the show and leave us with a lot of maybe/maybe not’s

        Myself i was actually going crazy over what sort of creature the Godfreys actually were. I mean, in early stages of the show it was pretty obvious. However as the show were progressing Roman were way too oblivious about it and they were resembling the vampires i know of less and less.

        However, at the end of the show you pretty much understood most of how it were, and as i believed this was the intention of the story i actually liked/still like the fact that you dont really know quite everything quite yet. The “mystery” is what makes this show so very intriguing to watch.

        Some riddles were solved in the end, but there are still a tremendous amount of questions left, making this show interesting to watch

  12. The person who wrote the book helped turn it into a tv show. Also, there are certain formulas that you need to follow in order to make a tv show, hence the stereotyping. Plus, you start off with a stereotype to build character development. A lot of the questioned ns were answered. As mentioned, the glowing was answered by the doctor. I believe shelly died and is now an angel. I think the stuff Oliva dripped into her eyes was to suppress the hunger. The little girl just had a tail. She died of blood loss from cutting it off. The little girl was oliva the point was to show that she became a vampire. The animosity between the families is because one is rich the other is poor. One family has vampires the other has werewolves. The very first baby olivia had at age 13 had the same name as the old woman who almost ripped out nicolae’s neck. She was related to him which, if they are the same person, means the two families are related. Olivia called in a trespassing report to the cops. I think she ate some random people. If not, she could have eaten some of what was left of that girl. It didn’t mean she killed her. That wasn’t a hospital it was the lab where they are doing the oroborous (pretty sure I spelled that wrong.) Still, I agree announcing it was strange. Olivia made roman remember everything with her suggestion power. As for Christina’s hair turning white, it happens because of really bad nightmares. You could have easily compared her to nancy from nightmare on elm street, too. Its not like they ripped it off of the stand. Tv, movies, music. They follow a formula. I’m not saying its perfect. They can do a lot more. But I don’t think it was that terrible. I find it’s hard to complain about something not being realistic enough when the subject matter is fantasy. The other questions will be answered in the next season I hope.

    • I couldn’t disagree more. Writing is key. Every book ever written, every tv show ever written, every movie ever written, utilizes stock characters. The mark of a good show, book, movie? Taking those stock themes and archetypes and making them into something new and exciting. The writing in Hemlock Grove (the show) relies on big words and fancy delivery, angst, aborted red herrings, badly-executed red herrings, and trying to shock viewers who aren’t accustomed to horror. Lazy writing, unfortunately.

  13. I agree about the potential…I hope that maybe to save face, they bring in some new writers (who can see the ridiculous holes in the story), take the first episode to explain all the crap they didn’t, then continue what CAN BE a great story. I wouldnt mind a sort of “sorry we effed up” episode as long as 2nd season was vastly improved!

    • That’s the whole thing that sort of disgusts me. It COULD have been an awesome show, a genre changer,  something that would leave a definite impression in horror TV. 

      They screwed up by taking shortcuts and with shoddy writing. If they do a second season,  I hope they bring on new writers who can fix the ginormous plotholes!

  14. Admittedly its droll, but infectious. However, I found many of my questions were answered (like why Shelly glows…the good doctor used phosphorous in her reanimation). And additional answers will be forthcoming. Come on folks its, we knew its wasn’t going to be Poe when we saw the trailer, and the some of the bad acting adds to the delicious quirkiness and camp. Overall not good, but not necessarily bad either. Let’s call it decayingly whimsical.

    • It could have been written so much better. Another season of the show would only increase the number of posed, nonsensical questions with no answers. 

  15. This made me laugh. I feel sympathy for you because I also feel that I have wasted my time. I too was stunned by accents.

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