Hemlock Grove (spoilers) And strong opinions. Strong, strong opinions.

Or, why Netflix should NOT DO SHIT LIKE THAT AGAIN.

Apparently, this is the writing process for Hemlock Grove.

“Here’s a book that would make an awesome TV show.”

“Okay, cool. But we’re going to make some rewrites and screw shit up exponentially, since the source material would never, ever be good enough.”

“Great. So, our show is going to be about genetic modification, mad scientists, Frankenstein, werewolves, slut-shaming she-werewolves, horny teenagers, vampires, teen angst, teen pregnancy, angels, supernatural visitations, crazy people, witches, gypsies, psychic abilities, horrific fake accents, spirit-walks, and boobs.”

“Yeah, can’t forget boobs!”

“All righty, then. I think that’s all the writing we need to do. Let’s start filming now.”

It had potential. Really. And then…no. Famke Jenson started talking. What the heck?? That accent was ATROCIOUS. It sounded horrible! It sounded like she was TRYING to sound like a wicked witch in a Disney movie.

Then other people started talking, and it sounded like the writers were channeling the original Dark Shadows. The only character I liked was Peter and his mom. Everyone else was pretentious, over-acted, so, incredibly, painfully stereotyped it HURT. The cold-eyed prince with the dark, dark secret. The psychiatrist in need of a psychiatrist. The giggling mad scientist. The evil queen surveying her crumbling empire. The angelic, too-good-for-this-world female. The shifty-eyed, angsty, hide-behind-her-hair nutjob channeling Nadine from Stephen King’s The Stand (heavens, somebody else tell me they noticed that too?). The spooky psychic with the ominous, enigmatic warnings.

Would it hurt to inject a little originality into a series, which had a WORLD of opportunities and potential at its fingertips?

Or how about answer all the questions? Why does Shelley glow? Why exactly is Ouroboros? What happened to Shelley? What was the stuff Olivia dripped in her eye? WHY DOES THE LITTLE GIRL HAVE AN EFFING TAIL? Why did cutting off the tail kill her? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT LIL’ VIGNETTE? Why was there supposedly all this animosity between the Godfreys and Romanceks, but moms and sons were buddy-buddy after a couple of heart to hearts? If Olivia was a vampire, why was she in the steel mill, puking up half-chewed meat, but later claimed the body left there wasn’t her work? And–OMG–what sort of hospital ANNOUNCES A PATIENT HAS DIED OVER THE INTERCOM? How did Roman not know he banged his half-sister/cousin? Why wasn’t the “He’s your real father” investigated or expounded upon further? And there were half a dozen more that just sort of fell by the wayside as the series got caught up in itself.

Also, wha about the dragon stuff? We have the religious werewolf slayer Order, then we have Shelley and the bum spouting poetry about seeing dragons, and then at the end, Olivia says they are not warriors, they are dragons, yet none of them tie in together, nor do they relate to one another!
Continue reading

Red Sails by Edward M. Erdelac

Title: Red Sails

Author: Edward M. Erdelac

Publisher: Lyrical Press

Length: 57 pages

Genre: historical horror

Rating: 5 howls

RECOMMENDED READ!

FINALLY! A vampire-werewolf pairing I stand behind wholeheartedly! You find any sparkly, emo vampires or brooding, d-bag werewolves in Erdelac’s Red Sails. Here, the vampire runs the show and the werewolves keep the ship shipshape.

Attacked by the dreaded red-sailed pirate ship, Jan and Timoteo are taken aboard the ship. There, they are told the dreadful, horrific secret of The Trivia. The captain lives off blood, and the crew are rampaging werewolves one night a month. The two captives are to be let ashore a pacific island and, along with the natives, hunted by the werewolf crew.

Sampari, a feisty native woman, refuses to allow the werewolves to hunt her island once more. She stages a coup and takes over–with the two foreign captives and one other native as her only allies. Will they be able to hold off the werewolves and their vampiric master?

Again, Erdelac has amazed me with his awesome historical horror. I was completely enthralled by his first Damnation release, and I’m still impressed! Erdelac’s writing is powerful and captivating, and the story is over all too soon. His characters are engaging and you want to keep reading more about them.

I definitely recommend Red Sails!